When I was young, I had dreams that were outrageous… insane even.  My inhibitions and logic were slim to none, and all I could see in front of me was a world without borders, without fear, without boundaries.  Somewhere along the way, fear was placed into my little body, and I learned to never trust, to never let go, to never fully embody all that God had created me to become, and though I have moments… many moments… where my faith is grounded and courage flows out of me like an ocean, I am ashamed to admit that much of my life has been guarded by fear.

And fear in anything other than God above is crippling.

Lately, my heart has been broken for all the moments I have let pass me by because of fear.  Fear to love too deeply, fear to do without, fear of death, fear of being vulnerable and being made to look like a fool, fear of failure, fear of everything that is of this world.  We know that the one who lives in the world has come to destroy us, and he uses fear so perfectly for that purpose.  I don’t want to be afraid anymore.  I want to FEAR God so that I no longer have to fear anything else.  Follow me He says, and I will make your life have purpose, I will give you tremendous and beautiful dreams!

So in the days to come, I challenge myself to remember the child that God created.  I want to come to God like a child in total abandonment and surrender myself once again, for He is the potter and will do with me great things if I allow Him to abolish fear.  I watch my son, with his wild eyes, and it makes my heart long for a simple time where I wasn’t afraid to really enjoy God.  I am done chasing the American Dream… I just want Jesus.  I am so imperfect, so I will trust in the perfect one.  My life on earth is temporary, so I will invest in the eternal.

 

No matter where that takes me, or who that takes me to, for where God goes, I want to be there too!

Hell is Real, Christianity is not an emotion

I think homosexuality is a sin. No, I don’t think, I know.  If you believe the Bible, and every word contained within it, you must believe also that homosexuality is a sin.  Beating your wife, pride, arrogance, lust, sex before marriage, drunkenness, laziness, and so on and so forth are also sins.  A baby is born into sin, and one must be born again to attain salvation, righteousness, and be one with God.  There are other truths I know.

God is not an evil person that wishes us to live joyless, loveless lives.  On the contrary He calls us to a greater joy and a greater love.  He created mankind to walk and be with Him.  Mankind was the one to screw it all up, and even after they messed it all up, God saved them from death and gave them (and me) hope through His son Jesus Christ.  One must be called by the Holy Spirit (as we all are at some point in our lives), and adopt sonship or daughtership of the one true King.

I also believe (no, not believe…know) that hell is a real place, and it isn’t going to be fun despite some pictures I have seen recently.  There are no alcoholic beverages or raging parties.  It is a sad and dangerous place where people go that spent their lives rejecting Jesus Christ and His teachings.  I believe that a lot of people (especially those growing up in the American church culture) will find themselves in hell, and that makes my heart-sick.

I live in America, and all of the before mention make me counter-culture.

America… I used to cry on the Fourth-of-July.  I would cry tears of joy that I was born in a country that openly loved God and didn’t persecute you for believing in Him.  Fourth-of-July was my most favorite holiday as we sang National Anthems and united during times of struggle and hardships.  I could, as a girl from the South, travel to anywhere in the country and be accepted for my differences, my language, my love, and the joy that God placed inside of me.  America… stood for something.  Now, I stand back and watch as we crumble.  Outsiders probably laugh a little or feel grieved that the so-called land of the free is turning into mush, and insiders either quiver in fear or anger.  The Church isolates itself or throws angry comments to those that do not believe.  We should be grieved for the lost, and we should lovingly and biblically discipline those that are living within the bondage of sin SO THAT they find freedom through the love of Jesus Christ.

All that being said, I am so glad that Christianity is not about emotions (nor marriage for that matter).  Yesterday, I found out that I lost my job that I LOVED!  I cried tears of sadness for many hours after finding out that the school I teach at didn’t need me for the coming year.  I quickly gathered myself together for the longest doctor appointment of my life, saw the life that is growing inside of me (which brings on so many fears), found out that in addition to our new house payment we were going to owe around $3,500 to deliver this little bundle of joy.  After eating at a friend’s house, I came home early to surprise my husband who was home picking up the house, to find that he was not home because he had forgotten.  My husband has spent the last three months working around the clock because of this little evil thing called shutdown that is explained to only last a week.  And if one more person reminds me that he should be making bank right now, I am going to stab you with a spork!  He really isn’t making all that much more because of taxes.  Lonliness, fear, disappointment and did I mention that I lost my job and pregnancy hormones are raging through my body right now?

Bring on the emotional break down. However,  Christianity has very little to do with emotions and a whole lot do with truth.  Because reality is, our emotions lie to us.  However, the truth of His word does not lie.

I read these verses this morning and was encouraged.

“Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your sould.  Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they acuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day He visits us.”  1 Peter 2:11-12

I just want Jesus. Keep the rest!

  I love Jesus.

Come with me… for just a moment… and marvel on who Jesus actually was… is.  Let us gather together and for a brief moment forget the debates about what is right or wrong.  Let us forget the hatred of one another.  Let us forget our church functions this weekend, whether or not Easter egg hunts are biblical, and let us just be in His presence.  Come with me on this journey.

Jesus… was a poor man.  Born in a manger to poor parents, but His birth was special.  Kings bowed at His feet because in their hearts they believed this baby was special.

Jesus…. was with God in Heaven, but He heard the cry of His people for salvation.  See there was this law, but the law was unbearable.  People couldn’t adhere to everything in the law.  People knew their own depravity, and they were tired.  Tired of being prosecuted… tired of never being good enough.  Jesus came down.  He gave up His place in Heaven to come to Earth… He came to die wrapped in swaddling cloths.

Jesus… was a King that humbled himself.  He was baptized in a lake, not a baptistery, by a man who smelled poorly.  He taught in the temples and offered a new freedom, a new salvation that was for all people.  He didn’t just come for the Jews… not just for the rich… or those that are perfect.  He declared that all people are sinners, and He came for all people.

Jesus… was a healer.  He offered His hand of healing to people who most citizens wouldn’t be seen around.  He touched women who bled continuously, lepers, blind men, people who could not walk.  He healed people of both physical and spiritual diseases.  He wasn’t afraid or too good for them. He wasn’t afraid to get dirty.  His feet were probably rough and cut with all the walking He did.

Jesus… was controversial.  Do you think you are controversial?  You have nothing on this man!  He raged with good godly anger with how the elite had damaged His temple and made it into a place of religious deeds and finances.  He called the Pharisees snakes lurking in the grass.  These were the most important men in the church, and Jesus called them out!  Jesus declared what was right and began reworking the law.  He called divorce BAD!  He ate with SINNERS!  He spoke with WOMEN!  He even gave the ultimate secret (that He was the messiah) to a Samaritan woman!  A Samaritan woman who slept around! Today, Jesus is still the most controversial figure in history!

Jesus… came with a purpose!  He wanted to offer freedom from sin.  Go and SIN no MORE!  He gave an out to our human nature that ends us up in horrible consequences.  He taught how to live so that we could be a unified body of believers.  He offered the most amazing joy and the truth of love and life!

Jesus loved children, taught wonderful lessons, trained men how to be godly men, literally gave life to those that were dead, offered a hope, salvation, true freedom.  Jesus prayed!  Jesus was an amazing man… and God all at the same time.

Jesus chose the cross.  He wasn’t murdered (not technically).  He had to die.  He prayed for another way, but there was no other way.  Jesus chose death so that all may have life.  He was beaten, bruised, and nailed to a cross where he carried the sin of the world on His shoulders.  He cried forgiveness for the people who put Him on the cross!  Can you imagine?  With blood in His eyes from the thorns He wore, He asked God to forgive those that beat Him.  He asked God to forgive those that killed Him.  He asked God to forgive those who abandoned Him.

 

Jesus rose again.  His tomb was empty.  Three days later He appeared before His disciples.  He ate with them, and when He finally ascended into Heaven… He promised them a helper.  The Holy Spirit.

 

I am at that point.  I don’t want politics, I don’t want rituals, I don’t want anything… just give me Jesus… I just want Jesus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03YxgFrDreg

Beautiful Little G and Spring!

This little girl is very special indeed.  She is too beautiful for words, and she is very, very intelligent.  She loves books and playing!  I wanted to capture who she was to the very core.  I wanted to express her heart for life, love, beauty and knowledge.  She is going to be a world changer indeed!  She loves her Bible and is always wanting to read more! 

The Enemy is NOT my husband

When you are married, you have those days of pure bliss.  Those days where you get to wake-up slowly in the arms of your beloved.  Where you whisper back and forth as the sun rises for fear that the world may hear you are awake and try to push you out of bed too soon.  You have little giggles that echo through the house, and eventually someone (possibly the loser of rock, paper, scissors) finally emerges from the warmth of the bed to take care of the babies or to make breakfast.  When you finally awake, it is a beautiful morning.  One that beckons the doors to be opened wide and the shades drawn back!  You may sit at the computer to make your fancy food purchases and sip your coffee or hot tea.  There is no fear, no guilt, no shame.  You know that God is doing something great in both of you because you so openly hear His voice amongst the stillness and wonderment.

 

 Then, there are those other days.  Those days where getting out of bed is a hassle, and you are more concerned with what is on your to-do list than focusing on the other person laying beside you.  Those days where frustration and disappointment sneak into your every corner.  The last two years have been amazing and a wonderful journey, but they have also been filled with the disappointment.  From the death of our first child, the death of our second, the what appears to be a halt to the ministry we feel strongly encouraged to pursue, and then finally our house situation.  A home is so important, but every time we feel like we have found a place to call home for a least a time, something comes to interrupt our ideas.  Once again, we are packing, moving, rearranging plans and wondering where and when we will find ourselves next.  My poor husband feels like a failure during these times.  He has told me constantly that his desire is to provide me a safe and wonderful home where I can flourish.  He wants to build me a studio, he wants to have his shop, he wants the sound of little feet (of all different colours) running to and fro.  He wants a place for people to come, escape, hear the truth, and be involved with our family.  He wants pictures on the wall, paint, design and decorations.  He wants a real guest room too and a stable living situation so that trips around the world can be taken with joy!  I can’t lie.  I share his dreams, and there is something daunting about building something in our hearts and with our time and watching if fall around us.

All of that is to say that my prayer is that in times of disappointment, Michael and I don’t succumb to the blame game or the I’m going to fix this because you can’t game.  I hope that despite miscarriages, lost houses, and whatever else may come hard at us (because life will come hard at us) that we don’t just tolerate for better or for worse but we LOVE for better or for worse.  My prayer is that we cling together instead of growing away from one another.  That has to be a choice.  This choice I willingly make.  However, sometimes that choice isn’t always so easy.  See, there is a real enemy who comes to seek and destory.  That enemy isn’t my husband though.  My husband didn’t marry me so that one day we could get divorce.  Divorce is not an option.  It has never been an option.  It doesn’t matter what happens, we identify the enemy, ask for wisdom and keep moving.  God can do all things, and He uses us!  This is why, world, that when trial strikes, my husband and I dance in the living room.  We laugh, throw water balloons at one another, and enjoy our love.  Because life is too short to spend it on hating the man or woman God brought you.

Early on in our marriage, I looked at my beloved, and announced that he was indeed my hero.  He laughed a little and responded that I was in fact his angel sent from heaven above.  I rarely feel like an angel.  Most of the time I feel like a self-centered little whiney brat, but I doubt that he feels like a hero all the time.  In the midst of my self-centeredness it is good to hear that I am someone’s beloved angel even though I am caught of in the middle of pride and sin.  What joy it brings my husband when he is in the midst of making decisions for our family for me to just take a step back and repeat… “You are my hero, despite your choice, God has our back!  He will provide as long as we are in obedience to Him.”